I had seen A four times now and he was aiming for more. So far there had been no sex and he also told me he wanted exclusivity if we ‘became anything’. To me, even having those types of conversations was something. It was the opposite of what I had been doing so far but it was much more risky. Hesitantly, I agreed to meet him at a bar on my way to see my friend S.
A was ready to dive in to a relationship. ‘Stop showing me the bit!’ I told him. Anyone who has spent time around horses would know that when a horse is being broken in you must begin with a lunge lead and work up to placing the bit in it’s mouth. Show a horse the bit too soon, it’ll spook and possibly never trust you again. But A was a passionate person and he wasn’t having any chop with that.

How the hell did I get here?
We went on and met up with S and R. This too was new territory. My women would be assessing him and they would decide our future. They don’t have exclusive rights but they’re pretty damn close to it. ‘You’re too big for him’. I’m still not sure exactly what that meant. We had the most wonderful dinner and full of food and wine we shared a car home.

This was the moment when the storm came.

That day my ex husband had moved the last of his things out of my apartment, locked the door behind him and thrown the spare key through the mail slot. He had used the bottom lock, the lock we never used because it’s sticky and I just couldn’t unlock the door. The rain was pouring on us. Feverishly, I jiggled the keys in both locks. It was impossible. A tried his hand and with some effort he snapped the key off. It was done, I couldn’t get in.

When it comes to sleeping in unfamiliar places I’m a bit picky. I’m pretty bad when it comes to sleeping in my own bed for that matter. Now completely soaked through I considered my options: I wasn’t going to ask anyone to come and help me in the rain so I called everyone I could think of to see if I could go to their place.

No one answered their phone. I had to go to A’s apartment.
Standing in the doorway of my corner store I had a panic attack. This situation was one I fear most: I was trapped and there was nothing I could do. I pushed my face as hard as I could into the corner. People were walking past me as I heaved for air. If I could have I would have used my teeth to gnaw a hole in the wall and climb in.
This was not anything against A. It’s just that I had been fighting against this thing between us and I was not ready to take the next step, especially if it wasn’t on my terms. He hailed a cab and we made our way to his place.