A’s apartment was neat and sweet. He gave me some pajamas, I climbed into his bed and he read Leonard Cohen aloud to me. I drifted off for a little while but woke with a start about half an hour later. There was no way in hell I was going to sleep in this place. We made out for a while and he told me he wanted to go down on me. No chance. It felt far to intimate. I felt like an animal pacing a cage and I wanted to bite the keeper.
We talked for a while and I tried to get some sleep but it just was not going to happen for me. I finally left soon after the sun came up. With some borrowed tools in my bag I made the 30 block trek home. I felt terrible and I knew that I could not go any further with A. The spell had been broken and my own feelings of disillusionment and fear sat like a weight on my chest. I felt for my ring to touch it, turn it on my finger a habit when uncomfortable. Damn it! I’d left my jewelry at his apartment.
A turned up later that day and we exchanged goods. We went out to lunch and I told him I would not be pursuing anything further with him. Although he knew how fucked up I was he had always told me he was the type of guy who would be there for me. ‘I don’t want the N that is three months from now, you are beautiful and strong just as you are.’ He was truly amazed that I would walk away from what had developed between us. ‘We are epic. Our story would be a story for the ages.’ He was right there was something powerful there and I acknowledged that. I just couldn’t see how I could sort out all my shit with a boyfriend in tow. I told him I had work to do and it would be more valuable to me if I did it on my own.
We held hands and kissed. It started to bucket down with rain and we ran into a nearby bar. Truly, it was hard to extricate myself from him once he touched me and a little wobbly, we walked back to my apartment and I let him up to fetch his things. Of course we kissed again and we tumbled around on the floor a little.
I had to remove myself though and he got up, put on his jacket and left.
I sat on the couch. It felt lonely. But what’s wrong with a bit of loneliness thrown in? Perhaps I needed more of it? What started only a few months ago had become something fast and it was completely unexpected. At least I knew now that I was capable of real intimacy. I wanted to stop the uninentional radiation for a little while.
Or so I thought.