I was going to see TD again the following Friday.

I had finished my writing assignments pushing a deadline, stealing the only time I had to work. He was running a bit late but it didn’t matter to me. It was nice to have some rare time alone. I bought some flowers, drank some wine, put on some music and pootled around the apartment, writing a bit more here and there.

After he arrived we settled on the couch. TD was mellow, more relaxed than the last time I saw him (not inexplicable). My head had been full all day and I was a bit wonky intellectually. It was as if I’d finished working and had allowed my brain to go on vacation, just for a little while. Though it turned out he was much more substantial than I had anticipated so he could carry the conversation without too much weighty input from my end. He spoke fondly of his ex wife and his family, didn’t swear as much as me, he liked Thom Yorke, he seemed kind.

We kissed.

Yep, it was still there. My goodness, he was sexy.

I know I touched on this before but a good kiss is transcendent. Being born anew, you collapse under it, it sucks your breath out of your throat, you forget who you are and touch God.

We went to my bedroom and “made love.” Previously, he had shown me a bruise I had left a few days before and I was embarrassed. He laughed about it but seeing as how it was brought to my attention I couldn’t ignore it. Ok, it’s time to hold back. Of course, I felt the urge to let go, to erase insecurity and fear, take everything I could get and I wanted it all. I didn’t want it to end. I wanted to dig my fingers into his back, lick his neck, wrap my legs around him, take what I felt was mine.

We went to dinner at AlDiLa. When people say they like good food I never really know how to interpret it. I mean, mac’n cheese fits under that category for the general population of America. It was such an enjoyment to eat “proper” food in good company. I was mesmerized by his mouth. One of my great pleasures is watching people I love eating with relish. My favorite brunch and dinner guests are the ones that clean out my pantry….

When we got back we talked a bit more and then he told me it was time to leave. I can’t say I wasn’t a little disappointed he wouldn’t stay. Never one to ask someone to do something they don’t want to, I had to drop it. He asked “will you be mine?” He must of seen the look on my face.

“Let’s see how we go on Sunday”.

“Right, good idea.”

Except I didn’t see him on Sunday. Or after that. He was back in Miami before I knew it.

Given everything, I felt like a nickel bride, except I was the toothless idiot giving myself away.

Late Sunday night lying in the bath I laughed to myself. What on earth I had been thinking?

I deleted my Tinder account after that. I was ready to put things on hold for a while and knuckle down. I had work to do….