I met Marvin at his work at 3 am. I had on a dress I had worn to work that day that I couldn’t unzip, the back of it makes it impossible for me to reach. I had to ask someone on the subway to zip it up that morning. Nothing says “I live alone” more than asking a stranger to zip up your dress.

Marvin was just inside the door when I arrived and he looked gorgeous. I love the way Marvin puts himself together. He smiled. He could have knocked me off my feet with a feather. We had a drink and a dance and he suggested we go elsewhere. He was so excited, I’d never seen him like that and it was sweet. We went to the top of the Standard. They had long since closed the bar but doors open for Marvin. We sat down and he pointed a woman out. Marvin and I wanted to have sex with a woman together and now it was really just a matter of finding one. She was lovely looking but Marvin was better and I was enjoying his company too much. He had both of his hands up my dress and this was making it hard to sit still. I was very wet. I wanted him to slip his fingers inside me. He didn’t make me wait too long however, he took me into the bathroom. One entire wall was glass and the Manhattan skyline was stunning. He pulled off my knickers and had his cock in me within seconds. He felt amazing. I loved the way Marvin fucked me, as if he owns my body but at the same time his voice was so gentle and for some reason this always surprised me. He was like a child wearing a man suit.
We were interrupted by a knock on the door. It was time to go.

We went back to his place and I finally got to watch Marvin eat. He even fed me. What bliss. We had sex and chatted a little. He was sweet. I just couldn’t relax though and had to leave. I started putting on my shoes in his bedroom. I knew he hated shoes in the apartment and he asked me not to. We exchanged a few cross words. We were cut from the same cloth in many ways and both hated being told what to do.

I walked outside in the rain and within minutes I was sopping. Stop Hop told me I’d have to take 4 different trains to get home. I put my head down and forged onward.

Some hours later I arrived at my apartment. I flopped on the bed.

Godammit, I couldn’t get my dress off! I laughed to myself.

I called A hoping he’d be next door but no luck. He suggested I ask someone at the cafe. It was one thing to ask a stranger to zip you up but quite another to ask them to unzip you. I lay on the floor on my back and wriggled my body until the dress rode up far enough for me to reach it. Finally, wet and fed up I flopped back into bed. I could not stop thinking about the shoes. Why had I done that? Marvin had been nothing but sweet.

Recently my friend J casually mentioned I had my “stiletto heel firmly wedged into the back of all men.” Well, maybe it was even worse than that. I felt like I was made of cardboard. Dull, soggy and uniformly nondescript. And just in that moment, quite the bitch. I’d apologize. Now I had to consider someone else, I had a lot to learn.

The next day Hank wanted to come over. I said no but he was very persistent. I told him he’d have to be gentle. When he walked in I noticed he wasn’t blonde at all but his hair was dark brown. Now that I had seen Marvin I was starting to see Hank. I think we’d been together maybe 7 or 8 times and I didn’t know the color of his hair, It really was that bad. He took off my shorts and gave me head…..For a brief period of time. We fucked on the couch. It was much better than last time. There was always something missing with Hank and I could never place it. He told me he had a kid and one on the way: both unplanned.

Jesus Hank!

I told him he had to go and I jumped in the shower. I was going to meet my H and I was looking forward to seeing her. Hank had made me late. I also wanted to see Marvin again if I could. I charged onto the street and put on my glasses. I was still feeling the effects of last night and it must have been bad for me to put on the granny specs. The temperature was just right and I ended up having a marvelous time with H. I did see Marvin but briefly. I wanted to go to bed.

The next day I had brunch with C and drinks with P and The Sailor. I saw Hank again at around 11. He told me I’d lost too much weight. Actually Hank talked a lot to me about how sexy he thought I was and often monologued about my bottom which, I thought was hilarious. He also liked to boss me around.

“No more, okay?” (weight loss)

Hank liked to talk to me in this way.

“We’re going to have to talk about what a nasty whore you are.”

“I own your pussy. ”


I had been outside and was wearing a beanie. He told me I looked like a bag lady. I think I probably did but where Hank was concerned I didn’t bother much. We started on the couch and got up to take a break. I headed toward the stairs and he was in hot pursuit. He literally tackled me by grabbing one of my legs out from under me. Then he leapt like an animal, I didn’t stand a chance. On the stairs. Weirdly, it made sense ergonomically. There’s no doubt Hank’s a good lay and he thinks it of himself too. I was still trying to figure it out… The thing that was missing. I wondered if it was his soul.

When he was done he wanted to go again. I had to wake up early. Hank had to go.

I woke a few hours later with the most overwhelming feeling of sadness. Inexplicably, I often was this way after seeing Hank. He made me feel lonely when before I was not. It was as if someone had thrown a rock through my psyche. Because I couldn’t locate it’s origin I just pushed it down. All the next day I couldn’t eat. I wanted someone to hold me.

I missed N.