Marvin is a slip knot.

Marvin has a type of magical power that only true masters posses. I’m not sure if it’s how he is with everyone or just our dynamic and really, I don’t want to know either way.

Marvin, like a hypnotist gets me to do whatever he likes, or more precisely everything he knows I don’t like. However, Marvin reads my body not my mind.

So here’s the thing: Hank, Tiger, The Dominican, all my regulars were good. They give me what I want and goddamn I appreciate them. A lot. Marvin does something else: he fucks with my head, through my body.

And that is the best kind of sex.

The last time Marvin had put his cock anywhere near my ass I was emphatic: No! Marvin has a big dick and I knew it would hurt. It turns out it wasn’t that though, after we had been together; that night I dreamt in full color about an old lover who deeply affected me. He was my lecturer in art school. 15 years older than me, beautiful looking, intellectual, complete insecure ass. The sex, however, was fantastic. I dreamt about a time we were in a house under renovation, amongst the sawdust, J had bent me over the couch and when I was as wet as possible he fucked my ass and it was glorious. Saying all of this, I’m not a fan of anal sex. At all.

So. Marvin, a pioneer in the real sense, pushed me there. Of course, I had sex that day and it was good (he tied me up with an electrical cord) but I was due to see M who was finishing work. At 3 am I was writing an academic paper and I was tired, overwrought and frazzled. When I saw him I remembered why: my goodness he’s gorgeous. I mean, physically, it’s like spotting a buck in the snow, you want to kill it but it’s too beautiful so you let it go because you can’t bear to accept your own death.

We were fucking, and in my favorite position, Marvin started to put his cock in my ass. No! Marvin collapsed on the bed saying something along the lines of trust, tied into fear etc. he’s not a dummy.

I’m not saying it’s calculated. This is what’s most interesting: Marvin is a natural Dom. He’s the real deal. He has no idea about this though. In “normal” life he’s just a controlling man who enjoys sex and my goodness Marvin likes to control me.

So Marvin and I had anal sex. It hurt, I was fearful, shaking even.

I had multiple orgasms.

Marvin has a way with me that is just right; he tells me what to do with my body (or just puts my body there) and he maneuvers me in the best sense. When he’s with me, he owns me. He’s earned it. He fought for it. He can insert a finger and know my exact temperature.

Marvin and only Marvin can take me there. There’s a thesis in that somewhere.

Here’s where it all falls down. Marvin doesn’t know to stroke my hair and tell me I’m alright afterwards. He’s not……nice. And that, fucks with the order of things. I couldn’t have Marvin seeing me as a slut. The end game is always about mutual respect.

Marvin liked to bang on about how brave I was but I was beginning to think I was a fool. I had been noticing recently that trusted friends were beginning to treat me differently; my work husband had groped me in a drunken moment. This sent shivers along my shoulder blades. Who could I trust? Did I need to keep all of this a secret like Marvin does?

I don’t like to hide in the shadows. I’d done that for too long. I even talked to my mother about it: “Good!” she said. “I’m glad you’re enjoying male company.” Well, I was definitely representing that side of the family, a group of nuns and nurses.

It’s dirty work but someone’s got to do it.